Reprise

This will be my last entry in this blog. I think I've learned all I can using this. A shout out to those of you who have been my blog-mates from the get-go. Here's what I learned from you all, and of course, from myself:

Life will pitch lemons at you. (Me) Squeeze them, add some vodka, and have a party! (Mitzzee)

There are so many paths to walk in life. (Me) Find the one with passion and you'll know where to go. (Black Empress)

There are time in which life is just so damn painful. (Me) But if you remember to laugh every day, you'll make it through just fine. (Lothario)

College f*cking blows! (Me) Yeah, it pretty much does. But life goes on in Canada. (Brea)

While I may be ignorant enough to lock my keys in my car, I'm still clever enough to know how to break into that same car. (Me)

Learn to enjoy the little seemingly stupid things in life, like playing with a stray dog. (Lothario)

Opportunity is NOT a lengthy visitor, so grab it! (Me)

They say you only live once, but live it like me, once is enough. (Mitzzee)

Life has a rhythm. Find that rhythm and stay in sync with it. Life just tends to work out better when you do. (Me)

Lastly, and the most important lesson I've learned:

If you ever meet someone who loves you, truly loves you, hold on to that love. The ability to love is a powerful thing that can strengthen even the most weary soul. Don't go through life without someone to love. Find someone that sees you for what you truly are, and loves you for it. And when you find that someone hold on to them and never let them go. I've let them go, and I've burned my bridges, but never again. I know now what I'm supposed to do, the paths I'm supposed to take. I know that there is more to life than just myself, and that the people I meet, and the people I help throughout life, however brief my time with them may be, will leave memories and traces on each other's hearts that will last all our lives.

I always hoped that I would go out with a bang, and that I'd do my damndest to make some impact in the world, but I know now that making impacts on the lives around you can make all the difference.

So as I write this last entry, as I pack my virtual bags and leave, think about your lives and what the future could have in store for you and, most importantly, enjoy it.

Cruel Angel
20060426
Final Entry

"Spread your wings and take to the skies."

Spring Broke

I've never felt so exhausted from doing nothing. The first day of spring break consisted of a VERY long fight between my dear mother and father. I have never wanted to slap the shit out of someone more than I wanted to backhand my mother that day. Bitching about every little thing, like her world was going to collapse in on her. I spent the next couple days house sitting and managing damage control in the household. I was greatful that the cats were there at least. Wednesday, mother and I left for Missouri to help dad with the petshop. The ride down there was tolerable, but the stress from working at the petshop got to mother again, lo and behold I was back in the middle of the griping and bitching. What erks me about these bitching fits is that I can't say anything back at her to shut her up. Thirteen years of living with this woman has taugh me that any attempts to reason with, or instill logic by force, simply goes in one ear and out the other. Don't get the wrong impression, they don't fight all the time, just a little less than half the time (that's what it seems anyway) . On top of this, I still haven't heard from Stacy. Her apartment line was disconnected shortly after my last call a couple weeks ago, her cellphone was terminated, and I can't get a hold of her mother at her apartment. It's like they all just vanished in past couple of weeks.

So now I come home to my apartment. It's good to be away from people, specifically my family. I suppose I'll call Kris and see if she's in town, I could use a good, stiff, drink. I say that...but I think you all, as well as I, know that isn't going to happen. I'm just going to sit here, lift a weight or two, listen to my music and sleep.

"Heel... Sit... Lay down..."

Silent Tears

She called me in tears. Her husband was controlling her life and verbally abusing her...That was about 3 weeks ago. I havn't heard from her since then, no phone calls returned, not even word from her mother. I feel like something is wrong with her (either is or will be). This feels like it's my fault, and for the most part, it is. I never allowed myself to love her and, in a act of desperation to be loved, she married this guy who now has her living in tears. All her pain, even some of the stuff I directly caused, could have been avoided had I just let myself love her. I still care about her, if shit hit the fan, I'd still be there to cover her. Is that love? Maybe. But I'd do that for just about anyone, so maybe not. Yeah, she was clingy, and Kris thought she was psychotic, but she loved me damn it, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for any other woman out there. She doesn't deserve this. She's a good girl, she doesn't deserve to be torn apart like this.

Maybe I'm just too worried. Maybe they patched things up and she's really quite happy. I pray that would be the case, but I doubt it. Either way, I can't do anything until I hear from her or her family.

I'll be here, so, if you come here, you'll find me. I promise.

Red Eyes

I was tagged earlier this weekend with the task of describing 8 points of my perfect lover. She has Red eyes, and I'll tell you why:

Voice - Her voice, gentle, smooth, and capable of soothing a mob with a single word.

Beauty - Fair skin, soft, delicate, and with sweet, inviting eyes. A mesmerizing beauty that I could gaze at for several lifetimes.

Intelligence - She's a sharp and logical thinker who can analyze any situation and know the best course of action.

Compassion - Her kind heart, always thinking of the well being of others, strong enough to cancel me out.

Passion - A firm sense of desire and the will and determination to keep it.

Spirit - Her laughter, one that still echoes in my mind and reminds me of a young child. She's playful, light hearted.

Charisma - Her words, her looks, everything about her could convince even a coward to fight.

Devotion - Loyal to herself and loved ones, she never hesitates to call on me when in need.

I am a dog, at least thats what it seems like anyway, fiercely loyal and vicious when needed to be. As such, it is only natural that I desire someone who can hold the leash, someone to serve and live for. That is why I say I want a woman with "red eyes," no such woman exists. I don't really intend to find anyone remotely close to this but, none the less, it's what I want, red eyes.

We are alone. Absolutely alone on this chance planet: and, amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, except the dog, has made an alliance with us. - M.M.

To Women:

This post is dedicated to every woman out there who has ever been in a relationship.

Personally, I've only been in two relationships, but I now know more than your average bear when it comes to women and relationships. One of my ex-girls is getting married, and the other already is. I still talk with them on a regular basis when their husband/fiance isn't looking (they are both the jealous type) and from these talks, and other discussions with other women I've come to learn something...

Women, good women, most women, pour more heart and soul into keeping a relationship going than any man I have ever met. If there is a hardship, if the man's a f*cking loser, she will still find some good in him worth preserving and worth loving. My best friend, was being cheated on, but after working things out, she still found it in her heart to forgive him. My most recent ex-girl is married to a guy who claims he loves her, but verbally abuses her daily and can't stand not knowing where she is and what she's doing. She calls me in tears, telling me she's doing her best to keep him happy and make the marriage work. My first ex-girl tells me of her relationship "issues" (usually consisting of not spending enough time with him, not enough lovin's etc.). I've never heard of any guy going through that much stress and trouble for the sake of keeping a relationship going. Pussy-whipped to the point of ditching friends for more time with their girl maybe, but nothing close to what most women do to really keep a relationship or marriage going.

So this post is for you all, in recognition of all the bullshit you put up with for your boy, all the tears you shed and all the words you say...Props to you.

"Forgiveness is the healing of wounds caused by another. You choose to let go of a past wrong and no longer be hurt by it. Forgiveness is a strong move to make, like turning your shoulders sideways to walk quickly on a crowded sidewalk. It's your move." - R.L.P.

Two Roads

Remember when you were growing up? Your parents usually encouraged some behaviors over others, and from their encouragement/discouragement, you found a sense of what you wanted to do with yourself. Parents usually coerce their children into doing things: "You should tryout for the football team." "Why don't you do something more than just play guitar?" "You could be a lawyer like your old man." But what happens when there is no coersion? What happens when there is no desire to rebel because there is nothing to rebel against? What is a person supposed to do when they have a world of options? They do what they want. Therein lies my problem.

Ever since childhood I have always done as I have been told and suggested to do. My mother and father have always been there to tell me what I should do, and the best way to do it. I never really had to think for myself, just follow the orders given to me. Did I have a will and desire of my own? Of course. But, I learned not to care. All that really mattered was the sastisfaction of others. If I did what I was told, then I'm doing what I am supposed to do. Some people feel that there are certain things they are supposed to do in life, certain "callings" if you will. I don't feel that. I don't feel pulled in any direction right now, or ever before. I do as I'm told. It's what any trained boy does.

So what should I do with this life? I'm well on my way to a commission in the Marine Corps. The training is behind me and all that lay ahead is the trials of college, which are by no means easy for me (I'm not the intelligent type). But now a new path has opened up. The Peak Agency, one of the major talent agencies in Iowa might be willing to represent me. If this goes through, I could find myself actually able to persue acting on a professional level. But I can't act and be in the Corps at the same time.

Do I persue acting? Do I leave my training and my brothers behind and chase after my passion of drama? Or do I forsake my dream and stand amongst the ranks of those who would fight for our continued freedom? Would I really have a chance in the entertainment industry? Would I be dishonoring my brother's memory if I backed out now? Would I stain the reputation of those who went before me and those who will go in my place? I've asked God these things but I hear no reply. I can only pray that my path, what I am supposed to do, will seek me out. Till then I'll believe in myself and keep fighting.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both..."

What's Your Name?

A girl asked me that today after one of my classes. No matter how many times people ask me that, I never can get used to it. I don't know what that is, my mind simply draws a blank when people ask me my name. Looking back, I suppose I never really identified myself with a particular name. Different people called me different things, my Marine buddies just call me by my last name, my friends from college call me Versachi, thespians call me Wolfy, and the list goes on from there. So when someone asks me my name, I just sort of freeze and reply with "huh?"

It sounds rediculous I know, but it's just a wierd quirk I suppose. To be honest, I'd prefer if people didn't know my name. I think it's cause I feel newer if people don't know my name. If I seem newer, people are less likely to attach defined traits and personality to me and I'm free to play whatever roles I want.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet."

Word, Julie...word.